keep me broken

- "here. paint me a picture. i don't have a brush...or paint for you to use, but i can give you this canvas that has already been painted on to work with...can you do it?"- "here. build me a house. i don't have tools...or wood...but here's the house across the street...can you make it work?"-"here. take this mirror. show me your reflection while i'm standing in front of it. please. i need to see you...but i won't get out of the way."-"here God. make me how you want me. i'm already built...set in my ways...full of dreams. i won't change and i want...i want...my dreams. not Yours. can you still use me?"ok. so i can't pull it off. i can't paint without a brush. i can't build without tools. a mirror only reflects what is directly in front of it. and how is God supposed to use me if i can't seem to get out of the way?i keep going around in this redundant cycle that leads back to the same place every time. it's frustrating. it's annoying. it's vicious. it won't give up. i try the same thing, over and over, wholeheartedly expecting a different ending...or maybe i just never noticed enough to care that where i'm going is nowhere. it's around and around. here...i'll show you.i start a new book. 3 chapters in...i'm on top of the world. its amazing. me. the one who didn't read a book his entire high school career is now reading something on his own free will. i blow me away. how about my life? i think i'll just plan it out. i'll do this...then i'll do more of this...thenmove on to that...and it'll get me there. perfect. i'm good. i did it.WOW. did you catch it? it all happens. all the time. but the one thing that triggers the hang up is the one that i keep failing to notice. "i did it". that's what starts the fall. i'm sitting on top of the world and just when it all figures itself out, i get this notion in my head that "i" put it all together. from here...the top of emotional status...the only place to go is down. tumbling and falling into what i knew was coming when i was climbing, but i didn't want to admit. i knew it, because it happens every time. but WHY?! why is it that when everything is so good...it never fails to get so bad in seconds? that as soon as i plan out this idealistic and amazing future for myself...i'm put right back into check?here's my thought. it's the lack of acknowledgement. the idea that it's all me and it's not until i'm shattered into a thousand peaces that i remember it's all Him. it is, it was, and it always will be. until i can pound into my human brain that i am, in fact, smaller then can even be comprehended...i'll keep being reminded of it. that even though i keep trying, it's not even for me to figure out. because i prayed "use me", i gave everything over to the One who created me. my plans. my dreams. my relationships. my love. how can He paint me if i already did? how can He build me if i already tried? i believe that anything God can paint will outshine my pathetic attempts. so keep me broken. when i'm broken i realize my mistakes and am humbled. i find myself at the feet of the Master wanting to be used for His glory. i realize my size and acknowledge His. When i'm broken i can be painted. when i'm broken i can be used. when i'm broken i can learn how to love. so i'm begging you. whatever you have to do...keep me broken.